The Key to Surviving A Commute

I haven’t always lived in the big city.  In fact, I don’t live in a big city now, I live on the very edge of a little city. It is, as cities go, a very cool, trendy, hipster-y, micro-brew loving kind of city, but it is not overwhelmingly large. In fact, it is very easy to navigate, even for the non-local. But it is, very definitely a city.  If the skyline doesn’t prove it, the traffic does.

“You’ll get tired of the traffic,” I was warned.

“Eighth most congested city in the nation,” I was informed.

“Ugh,” one friend sighed. “Traffic into the city is always bad and 217 is always horrible, even on weekends…especially on weekends.” 

Dreams

Have you ever had this urge to scrap everything and do something entirely different with your life?  Something so different it rates as impossible rather that merely improbable. I have done this.  I met someone and after only six months of dating, and most of that dating was via Skype, I married the guy.  It didn’t work out for me and I’m faced with rebuilding my life,but I don’t regret taking the risk.  I only regret that I didn’t manage the risk a bit better. I am the textbook reason prenuptial agreements need to exist.  But…I took the risk, it failed, but I don’t regret the experience and adventure that it was at all. My dream was to travel and live abroad. I did that. In the process, I learned a ton about how to schedule flights so that you never miss one, which airports to avoid and which are better for making connections. I learned how to schedule a trip across the pond (either direction) in order to minimize jet lag.  I’m still working on learning to travel light, but I’ve made vast improvement in that area over the last year. Most importantly, I’ve gone from thinking I should maybe give up my dreams to being confident that they will come to pass no matter how outlandish, impossible or impractical they might seem to me now.  I mean, I’ve had plenty of dreams over the last six years come true.  Why should that momentum end now?

Bounce

I have a friend I’ve know for quite some time who is an executive coach.  This man makes a living coaching top executives at companies to improve outcomes (and I imagine this means profits) for the organization. He makes more money in one gig than I make in several years.  He’s probably made and lost more money over the years than I will see in several lifetimes. As I type this, he is involved in putting together a deal that will allow him to quadruple his income and expand his business.  He’s doing this at a time in his life when he should be (or most people are considering being) retired.  He doesn’t punch a time clock. His office is in his home or in a coffee shop or cigar shop nearby. He lives in a tower and drives an Audi. He controls his time, his life and mostly his levels of stress.  He does what he wants, when he wants with no demands imposed on his life other than those he chooses for himself. It’s a pretty good gig for supposedly being retired. But it hasn’t always been this way for him.  He’s had some pretty rough moments along the way.

Dating Again?

Yes.  I’ve been dating again. It’s proof positive that I am clearly not well.  After all, my divorce isn’t even final.  Never mind that my soon-to-be (or maybe not-so-soon depending on the length of the legal battle our attorneys wage) ex hasn’t spoken to me in nearly seven months.  It’s been over half a year since he ghosted me.  If  being able to deal with being ghosted is a requirement to re-entry into the dating world, then I believe I’m as ready as anyone.  I certainly have plenty of experience there.  I’m not ready for relationship and I know it.  My reasons for “dating” are not to pursue relationship so much as it is to provide a distraction from the loneliness and pain I’m feeling about the way my marriage has disintegrated.

Amusement Park Rides and Marriage

I remember clearly the last time I was on an amusement park ride. It was not a pleasant experience. It was one of those rides that throws you through the air and swings you side to side roughly, abruptly changing directions so suddenly and with such force that you wonder if your internal organs have departed your body. Then you immediately wonder how can the mechanics of this ride sustain such momentum and force.  When will that one bolt work it’s way loose.  When will my chair…or my daughter’s chair in front of me…be the one to go flying wildly into the air as if forcefully flung from the contraption. I remember gritting my teeth, dreading every moment, wondering when the ride would end. My daughter on the other hand reveled in the moment.

It was the last amusement park ride I ever rode.

I learned something about myself that day.  I learned, I don’t really like amusement park rides. Not even the tame ones.  Too much of my psyche is preoccupied with enduring the experience.  There’s no enjoyment.  Even more of my energy is consumed with fretting about that one in one hundred billionth chance that something will go desperately wrong.

Then, of course, there is the time and expense.  At many amusement parks, you pay a premium for a two minute ride. And…you stand in line for a very long time for that short ride.  Even at a small county fair, you can expect to pay way too much for way too little in terms of entertainment time.  And then what?  When it’s all over, you are broke and miserable, with nothing but a bad memory to show for it.  At least, that’s my experience.

No matter how many rides I go on or how many different venues I experience it’s always the same.

It’s interesting how similar my experiences with marriage are to amusement park rides.

Alone vs. Lonely

The insomnia has returned.  I cannot for the life of me sleep past 4.5 hours.  I’m usually awake from anywhere between 2 am to 4 am.  I don’t feel particularly anxious, but I can become so when I begin thinking about my financial future…which is uncertain…at this time.  I can become even more anxious when I think of the possible financial outcomes of the divorce. Of course, anytime there is an interaction regarding the divorce (a hearing or prepping for a hearing,  or a response from the opposing attorney because there is no communicating with my husband at all) my body goes into full on fight or flight mode. My hands start shaking. My heart races. I begin feeling anxious…very anxious.

Fairy Tales and Nightmares

About two years ago, I published a post on this blog about meeting this great guy. I published a post or two a bit later about marrying that guy and leaving my life as I had known it to live with him overseas.  He worked overseas as a contractor and the plan was that I would move with him and live with him where he worked.  It was a wonderful fairy tale story except that it was real and it was happening to me. I was going to be able to fulfill a lifelong  dream of living abroad, being able to write and not have to deal with the stresses of my career. I was marrying a man I loved and who loved me.  It was going to be great.

Except…it wasn’t great.