Yes. I’ve been dating again. It’s proof positive that I am clearly not well. After all, my divorce isn’t even final. Never mind that my soon-to-be (or maybe not-so-soon depending on the length of the legal battle our attorneys wage) ex hasn’t spoken to me in nearly seven months. It’s been over half a year since he ghosted me. If being able to deal with being ghosted is a requirement to re-entry into the dating world, then I believe I’m as ready as anyone. I certainly have plenty of experience there. I’m not ready for relationship and I know it. My reasons for “dating” are not to pursue relationship so much as it is to provide a distraction from the loneliness and pain I’m feeling about the way my marriage has disintegrated. Read the rest of this entry
Why haven’t I stopped in, stayed a while, and rambled on here since last July?!!!
It isn’t because I don’t like it here. I love this place.
It isn’t because I’ve been sleeping the whole night through. I haven’t.
It isn’t because I have nothing to write about. Oh, that is most certainly not the case.
The truth is this: I’ve been so stinking busy with real life, that I haven’t had a moment to render my version of this crazy life into written prose…until now.
Let’s get caught up, shall we?
In my last post, which was just over a year ago, I wrote about three men that I was, well, for lack of a better term, talking to. It was a bit more than discussion for each of these, but a LOT less than actual dating. I don’t know exactly where that put these interactions…and I no longer care. In that post, I mentioned Man #1, Man #2, and Man #3. I know, it sounds a lot like Let’s Make A Deal. What’s behind door number 1? Yeah, whatever.
As if dating were that easy. Read the rest of this entry
Friday night. According to all the “dating” rules, I should not be admitting publicly in any kind of venue that I am at home and not out on a date. I don’t care what the rules say. I’m having a fantastic time. I’ve been grinding away for two months on major work projects. Projects that revitalized me because I felt they were purposeful…and challenging…and interesting. Projects that kept me energized and distracted me from worrying about any number of things.
Okay, sure. Let’s be clear. If Perfect Relationship came along, I would hope I’d have the sense to go for it. The problem is, I don’t believe in “Perfect Relationship”? I just don’t think it exists and I believe that perpetrating the myth that a “Perfect Relationship” exists and is even viable, is incredibly damaging.
Ever notice how, when once you commit to something, the universe conspires to convince you otherwise? The minute you decide you are, for sure, going to go on that diet, all manner of beverages, desserts and delicious cuisine are offered you. The minute you commit to daily exercise the kids suddenly need rides right when you planned to exercise. The minute you decide that you’ve given up on dating, suddenly your dance card is full.
Back in the day, when I was younger, squeaky clean, freshly stamped with that Bachelor’s Degree, and looking for work, I had to go through the arduous, intimidating, and emotionally exhausting process of interviewing. I hated it. I hated the way I was often scrutinized, picked apart, rejected. And that was if I even got the interview. Because I was able to present myself well on paper, and because I legitimately had some decent grades, a fair amount of extracurricular campus leadership involvement, and held down a 30-40 hour job, I usually got any interview I sought. The problem is, I’d crash and burn on the interviews. The only time I didn’t crash and burn on an interview was the interview for the job I have now. Of course, by the time I interviewed for this job, I was in my 30’s, had a bunch more education under my belt, and was far more confident in my abilities to do the job I was seeking. Looking back, I was so terribly frightened and unsure of myself in those wide-eyed, innocent days, that it is amazing that I got the jobs I did get, when I got them, that gave me the experience which ultimately landed me a position in a nationally recognized and cutting edge training program for the profession I am currently in.
I was young and unsure. I felt inadequate. I was afraid to fail. All of this showed through in those early interviews, I am sure. Like I said, I’m surprised I ever got a job to begin with. Read the rest of this entry
So, go figure. My finances suck. We’ve been over that. My love life is non-existent. I just had a guy I supported walk out on me after two years. He gave me three days’ notice and he was gone. Haven’t heard a word from him since. After my two epic fails at marriage, I don’t know which hurt worse, to have the marriages end, or him walk out after I invested so much financially and emotionally for two.fucking.years. It is now all water under the bridge, but at times, it still stings.
I’m at an age and in a demographic where there isn’t much dating action, and if there is, it isn’t serious, nor is it even remotely authentic. Face it, after 45, there are so many obstacles to overcome, so much history to wade through, so many people’s scrutiny you have to undergo before a relationship can even be viable, let alone long term. I’ve given up on that area of my life ever being a source of pleasure or happiness. People who really know me, will know what a big deal that is. Most people tend to understand that it is the nature of the beast these days. Dating after divorce is, at best, a difficult thing, and unlike wine, this does not improve with age. Oh, to be 35 again. Before the wrinkles. Before the mistakes. Before the calendar reveals the stigmatizing number of years you’ve been on this planet (because you cannot lie about that).
In spite of all that, the little surprise I’m experiencing is this: I’m actually having fun. I’m enjoying life more than I ever have. I’m happy, in spite of the fact that nothing (except my delightful children) is as I would have expected it and most of it reeks of pathetically miserable failure. I can’t keep a relationship. I can’t catch a break financially. I rent, on purpose, instead of owning. My car is ready to self destruct at any moment. I should sell the thing and try, if possible, to get some money out of it to put down on a more reliable car. But…how to do that? It’s crazy. I have more problems facing me than solutions. I have experienced more endings in the last year than beginnings. I have more reason than ever to despair, instead of hope. Read the rest of this entry
One of the people I’m corresponding with from the sleazeball online dating sight has been pretty decent. I can tell right now, without ever meeting him that he’s not going to be someone I fall madly and passionately in love with. If there is chemistry of anything more than a platonic friendship nature, I will be astounded. The man’s really nice, intelligent, thoughtful, and maybe, if I weren’t so damaged from my history with men, I might be more interested in him as something more than “friends”. I don’t know.
Anyway, I asked him what he was doing on said sleazy dating site. He responded with a lengthy tale which included information about his divorce, financial situation, job history, etc. This just proves my theory that, “So, what is such a nice guy like you doing on a dating site like this,” is a perfect question to ask if you want to get some really intimate information from a person. They usually end up spilling everything about their past and present to you. I got a lot of information, all of which reinforced that this is truly a genuinely decent guy. None of which convinced me that he was my next Prince Charming. So, of course, when he asked the question in return, I threw the game. Read the rest of this entry
Online “dating”, if that’s what you want to call it, is exhausting. So, far the contacts I’ve received can be classified into four main categories. First, there’s monosyllabic contact. Easily half of the people who contact me do so in this manner. “Hey.” “Hi.” The more sophisticated ones say, “Hello.” Okay, so that’s two syllables. All of these characters get the delete key. I don’t even bother to look at their profile.
The next group is the group that uses words to say nothing. For example, they might initiate with,”I liked your profile.” Really? What exactly did you like about my crummy profile that basically says nothing about me? What could anyone find of interest in three sentences written when lit? Another example is, “You have a nice smile.” Now, there’s a real conversation starter. What can a gal do with that besides say “thank you”, and move on to the delete key? Or this one’s always destined to be a charmer: “Having any luck on here?” Like I’d tell you if I was or wasn’t. Then there’s this comment I just received,”How’s the night?” It’s just great, thanks. I’m blogging about stupid things guys say when contacting a woman online, and I’m using you as an example. Hmmm, should I really reply with that much honesty? It’s tempting. Or this:
Hi. Good morning. Happy Friday. Anyway, thought I’d stop by and say hi.
I just don’t even know how to respond to that, especially when I go check out the profile and the one image the person has posted was clearly taken in the 70’s. Read the rest of this entry
I’ll cut to the chase. I’m an idiot. Who signs up on an online dating sight at the most busy time of their professional and personal year? I do. Like I said…I’m an idiot. I admit it. I have only one excuse. I was three sheets to the wind when I did the signing up. Yep. Had one of those down days. One of those days that proves living a block from the local liquor store is not necessarily the benefit you might think it would be. I don’t know the particular circumstances. I think I successfully drank them out of my memory. I just remember it was one of those days, which, for whatever reason I was feeling blue about the whole situation that transpired in my life recently. Actually, I wasn’t really feeling blue about that situation if the truth be known. I was feeling blue that I’d wasted the last two years of my youth on the man. Okay, enough with the drama. It is also very possible that I was feeling happy. I feel that a lot these days. In fact, I almost get giddy with the lack of stress and the ease with which my family functions right now. No more walking on eggshells. No more having to ask permission or wonder when the next derisive comment is going to come. No more worrying about money. Since I’m not paying his bills, there’s an extra amount in our coffers this month, and that makes me genuinely silly with the giddy factor. Read the rest of this entry
Five, almost six, years ago, I left The Evil Ex. It was a devastating divorce and not exactly one I want to rehash here. Suffice it to say, that I spent a number of months, just trying to survive: figure out the family budget, put food on the table, get to work and keep my job. These were the priorities. Then one evening, my oldest daughter decided to create a profile for me on an online dating site. I mean, dating after divorce has to be okay if your kid is suggesting it, right? Yeah. No.
I was in no place to be dating back then. I was just finalizing the divorce for a marriage where I was still in love with the person I was divorcing. The reality was, he just did not love me, and never would. While every relationship has it’s tough places, this one had more than most, and I needed to leave regardless of whether I really wanted to or not. What I wanted was for things to change. This was not going to happen. I left in order to survive. Needless to say, I was a basket case. Insecure. Frightened. Totally unaware of the things you need to be aware of when online dating. Yet, here I was, putting myself out there. (Honestly, as I look back I wonder that I am alive. I made so many stupid mistakes.)
One of the first people I met was intelligent and fun. He was digitally articulate and his profile was interesting. He lived nearby and we arranged to meet up one evening after I left a Christmas Party I was attending. Yep, you guessed it. Mistake number one. Dates occurring after 9:00 in the evening read one and only one way: booty call. Suffice it to say, I met up with the guy, had a couple of drinks and then went home. Let’s just say it was a late night, but I made it to my own bed that night. We ended up going out a couple of times and, though I found him intelligent and attractive, something out of my recent abusive experience told me to run. I did. I just ended up not returning his calls or emails, etc. I think I finally had to block him from my phone, my email, any dating site I happened to be on…you get the picture.
Guess who contacted me within the first hour that I signed up on this dismal dating site? Yep. He contacted me the minute he saw my profile go up. He’s trolling the new members. He’s a desperate and lonely soul, or maybe he really is just a creeper. Here’s how the conversation with A Happy Man 4 U went:
Happy Man: Hey, is your name _____?
Me: (not realizing who might be contacting me) Who’s asking?
Happy Man: I’ll take that as a yes. You look like an Ex of mine from a few years back.
The conversation progressed to the point that I was able to figure out who this person was. Happy Man is most definitely NOT a happy man. He’s negative, has a victim mentality and it exudes from every contact he made with me. 5 years later, I am amazed that I didn’t see it. But I didn’t see this poisonous individual, because I was in so much pain and clearly not in any place to be meeting others like this. In the end, my conversation with Happy Man 4 U, ended pretty abruptly, but not before he referred to me as one of his “Ex’s”. Yes, that is the word he used. Really? I’m an Ex? We went out three times, if that. I paid my way most of the the times. Since he was referring to me as an Ex, I responded with the fact that he didn’t sound like and of my Ex’s (from marriage). Of course, I reminded him, I couldn’t tell because the only picture I have to go by is one of a forest stream. (By this time I’m fully aware of who he is, and I suspect he’s on to me too. Also, yes, he’s reduced himself to putting up a forest picture for his profile. It doesn’t show his face. I’m not sure how he gets away with that.) I then said that I once dated a guy from his town who was bitter, negative and had a victim mentality. I went on to say that because of these qualities, we didn’t date long, maybe three times, and certainly not enough to refer to that person as an “Ex”. He must have me confused.
He responded with “Yes, I must have you confused with someone else because my Ex was fun and nice.” (Really? She’s your ex and you’re not sure you even recognize her. She was fun and nice…really…there was nothing about the way he treated me five years ago that indicated he thought of me as anything other than a potential testosterone release valve, let alone “fun and nice”. Needless to say, I deleted the conversation…after a great deal of laughter.
The truth of the matter is, this man is not a safe person. He’s bitter, angry, and unhappy and that is just not anything I want to be around. Like I said, I made some mistakes. Five years ago, not recognizing this man immediately, the way I could today, was one of them. For a couple of dates, I thought he was decent. When I wouldn’t sleep with him on date three and he loudly called me out on that in public, I got out of there as fast as I could.
A Happy Man or a sick one? I think you’ve probably figured out by now that there is nothing about this individual that is happy.