Yes. I’ve been dating again. It’s proof positive that I am clearly not well. After all, my divorce isn’t even final. Never mind that my soon-to-be (or maybe not-so-soon depending on the length of the legal battle our attorneys wage) ex hasn’t spoken to me in nearly seven months. It’s been over half a year since he ghosted me. If being able to deal with being ghosted is a requirement to re-entry into the dating world, then I believe I’m as ready as anyone. I certainly have plenty of experience there. I’m not ready for relationship and I know it. My reasons for “dating” are not to pursue relationship so much as it is to provide a distraction from the loneliness and pain I’m feeling about the way my marriage has disintegrated. Read the rest of this entry
Five, almost six, years ago, I left The Evil Ex. It was a devastating divorce and not exactly one I want to rehash here. Suffice it to say, that I spent a number of months, just trying to survive: figure out the family budget, put food on the table, get to work and keep my job. These were the priorities. Then one evening, my oldest daughter decided to create a profile for me on an online dating site. I mean, dating after divorce has to be okay if your kid is suggesting it, right? Yeah. No.
I was in no place to be dating back then. I was just finalizing the divorce for a marriage where I was still in love with the person I was divorcing. The reality was, he just did not love me, and never would. While every relationship has it’s tough places, this one had more than most, and I needed to leave regardless of whether I really wanted to or not. What I wanted was for things to change. This was not going to happen. I left in order to survive. Needless to say, I was a basket case. Insecure. Frightened. Totally unaware of the things you need to be aware of when online dating. Yet, here I was, putting myself out there. (Honestly, as I look back I wonder that I am alive. I made so many stupid mistakes.)
One of the first people I met was intelligent and fun. He was digitally articulate and his profile was interesting. He lived nearby and we arranged to meet up one evening after I left a Christmas Party I was attending. Yep, you guessed it. Mistake number one. Dates occurring after 9:00 in the evening read one and only one way: booty call. Suffice it to say, I met up with the guy, had a couple of drinks and then went home. Let’s just say it was a late night, but I made it to my own bed that night. We ended up going out a couple of times and, though I found him intelligent and attractive, something out of my recent abusive experience told me to run. I did. I just ended up not returning his calls or emails, etc. I think I finally had to block him from my phone, my email, any dating site I happened to be on…you get the picture.
Guess who contacted me within the first hour that I signed up on this dismal dating site? Yep. He contacted me the minute he saw my profile go up. He’s trolling the new members. He’s a desperate and lonely soul, or maybe he really is just a creeper. Here’s how the conversation with A Happy Man 4 U went:
Happy Man: Hey, is your name _____?
Me: (not realizing who might be contacting me) Who’s asking?
Happy Man: I’ll take that as a yes. You look like an Ex of mine from a few years back.
The conversation progressed to the point that I was able to figure out who this person was. Happy Man is most definitely NOT a happy man. He’s negative, has a victim mentality and it exudes from every contact he made with me. 5 years later, I am amazed that I didn’t see it. But I didn’t see this poisonous individual, because I was in so much pain and clearly not in any place to be meeting others like this. In the end, my conversation with Happy Man 4 U, ended pretty abruptly, but not before he referred to me as one of his “Ex’s”. Yes, that is the word he used. Really? I’m an Ex? We went out three times, if that. I paid my way most of the the times. Since he was referring to me as an Ex, I responded with the fact that he didn’t sound like and of my Ex’s (from marriage). Of course, I reminded him, I couldn’t tell because the only picture I have to go by is one of a forest stream. (By this time I’m fully aware of who he is, and I suspect he’s on to me too. Also, yes, he’s reduced himself to putting up a forest picture for his profile. It doesn’t show his face. I’m not sure how he gets away with that.) I then said that I once dated a guy from his town who was bitter, negative and had a victim mentality. I went on to say that because of these qualities, we didn’t date long, maybe three times, and certainly not enough to refer to that person as an “Ex”. He must have me confused.
He responded with “Yes, I must have you confused with someone else because my Ex was fun and nice.” (Really? She’s your ex and you’re not sure you even recognize her. She was fun and nice…really…there was nothing about the way he treated me five years ago that indicated he thought of me as anything other than a potential testosterone release valve, let alone “fun and nice”. Needless to say, I deleted the conversation…after a great deal of laughter.
The truth of the matter is, this man is not a safe person. He’s bitter, angry, and unhappy and that is just not anything I want to be around. Like I said, I made some mistakes. Five years ago, not recognizing this man immediately, the way I could today, was one of them. For a couple of dates, I thought he was decent. When I wouldn’t sleep with him on date three and he loudly called me out on that in public, I got out of there as fast as I could.
A Happy Man or a sick one? I think you’ve probably figured out by now that there is nothing about this individual that is happy.
Have you ever had that conversation in a relationship where it dawns on you that you shouldn’t be having this conversation? It suddenly breaks into your awareness that the fact that this particular conversation is occurring is the huge red flag signaling that something is way not right?
Guys are pretty easy to figure out, if women would only shut up and listen. When we do they not only say what they think, they do it. Or, as in my situation, they don’t do anything relationally significant except clutter the landscape.
The other day, the guy I’m living with, said…regarding us and marriage, “I’m just hesitant…”. Of course he then lists reasons why he is hesitant to move our relationship forward. To me, the reasons are irrelevant. He told me all I need to know. He is hesitant. Okay. That’s fine.
But it isn’t fine.
We’ve been together well over a year. He’s had time to see things as they really are. He’s living with me. But he’s hesitant.
Tonight I told him, he’s taking up space in my life. I told him he needs to move out. I told him that if he’s hesitant then he has no business living in my house, eating my food, taking advantage of me and cluttering the landscape. He needs to get out and quit taking up space in my life.
I just really do not have time for this and I hate clutter. That, unfortunately, is what he has become.