Category Archives: What Keeps Me Up At Night

The Key to Surviving A Commute

5ba09754-d665-4d53-a973-c9d1e6e54b4b-1096-000002aac4cd2510_tmpI haven’t always lived in the big city.  In fact, I don’t live in a big city now, I live on the very edge of a little city. It is, as cities go, a very cool, trendy, hipster-y, micro-brew loving kind of city, but it is not overwhelmingly large. In fact, it is very easy to navigate, even for the non-local. But it is, very definitely a city.  If the skyline doesn’t prove it, the traffic does.

“You’ll get tired of the traffic,” I was warned.

“Eighth most congested city in the nation,” I was informed.

“Ugh,” one friend sighed. “Traffic into the city is always bad and 217 is always horrible, even on weekends…especially on weekends.”  Read the rest of this entry

Dreams

img_0881Have you ever had this urge to scrap everything and do something entirely different with your life?  Something so different it rates as impossible rather that merely improbable. I have done this.  I met someone and after only six months of dating, and most of that dating was via Skype, I married the guy.  It didn’t work out for me and I’m faced with rebuilding my life,but I don’t regret taking the risk.  I only regret that I didn’t manage the risk a bit better. I am the textbook reason prenuptial agreements need to exist.  But…I took the risk, it failed, but I don’t regret the experience and adventure that it was at all. My dream was to travel and live abroad. I did that. In the process, I learned a ton about how to schedule flights so that you never miss one, which airports to avoid and which are better for making connections. I learned how to schedule a trip across the pond (either direction) in order to minimize jet lag.  I’m still working on learning to travel light, but I’ve made vast improvement in that area over the last year. Most importantly, I’ve gone from thinking I should maybe give up my dreams to being confident that they will come to pass no matter how outlandish, impossible or impractical they might seem to me now.  I mean, I’ve had plenty of dreams over the last six years come true.  Why should that momentum end now? Read the rest of this entry

Amusement Park Rides and Marriage

SwingI remember clearly the last time I was on an amusement park ride. It was not a pleasant experience. It was one of those rides that throws you through the air and swings you side to side roughly, abruptly changing directions so suddenly and with such force that you wonder if your internal organs have departed your body. Then you immediately wonder how can the mechanics of this ride sustain such momentum and force.  When will that one bolt work it’s way loose.  When will my chair…or my daughter’s chair in front of me…be the one to go flying wildly into the air as if forcefully flung from the contraption. I remember gritting my teeth, dreading every moment, wondering when the ride would end. My daughter on the other hand reveled in the moment.

It was the last amusement park ride I ever rode.

I learned something about myself that day.  I learned, I don’t really like amusement park rides. Not even the tame ones.  Too much of my psyche is preoccupied with enduring the experience.  There’s no enjoyment.  Even more of my energy is consumed with fretting about that one in one hundred billionth chance that something will go desperately wrong.

Then, of course, there is the time and expense.  At many amusement parks, you pay a premium for a two minute ride. And…you stand in line for a very long time for that short ride.  Even at a small county fair, you can expect to pay way too much for way too little in terms of entertainment time.  And then what?  When it’s all over, you are broke and miserable, with nothing but a bad memory to show for it.  At least, that’s my experience.

No matter how many rides I go on or how many different venues I experience it’s always the same.

It’s interesting how similar my experiences with marriage are to amusement park rides.

Alone vs. Lonely

lonely-womanThe insomnia has returned.  I cannot for the life of me sleep past 4.5 hours.  I’m usually awake from anywhere between 2 am to 4 am.  I don’t feel particularly anxious, but I can become so when I begin thinking about my financial future…which is uncertain…at this time.  I can become even more anxious when I think of the possible financial outcomes of the divorce. Of course, anytime there is an interaction regarding the divorce (a hearing or prepping for a hearing,  or a response from the opposing attorney because there is no communicating with my husband at all) my body goes into full on fight or flight mode. My hands start shaking. My heart races. I begin feeling anxious…very anxious. Read the rest of this entry

Fairy Tales and Nightmares

About two years ago, I published a post on this blog about meeting this great guy. I published a post or two a bit later about marrying that guy and leaving my life as I had known it to live with him overseas.  He worked overseas as a contractor and the plan was that I would move with him and live with him where he worked.  It was a wonderful fairy tale story except that it was real and it was happening to me. I was going to be able to fulfill a lifelong  dream of living abroad, being able to write and not have to deal with the stresses of my career. I was marrying a man I loved and who loved me.  It was going to be great.

Except…it wasn’t great. Read the rest of this entry

It’s Been Such A Long Time

skypedatememeHas it really been over a year since I posted here?

Really?

Why haven’t I stopped in, stayed a while, and rambled on here since last July?!!!

It isn’t because I don’t like it here.  I love this place.

It isn’t because I’ve been sleeping the whole night through.  I haven’t.

It isn’t because I have nothing to write about. Oh, that is most certainly not the case.

The truth is this:  I’ve been so stinking busy with real life, that I haven’t had a moment to render my version of this crazy life into written prose…until now.

Let’s get caught up, shall we?

In my last post, which was just over a year ago,  I wrote about three men that I was, well, for lack of a better term, talking to.  It was a bit more than discussion for each of these, but a LOT less than actual dating.  I don’t know exactly where that put these interactions…and I no longer care. In that post, I mentioned Man #1, Man #2, and Man #3.  I know, it sounds a lot like Let’s Make A Deal.  What’s behind door number 1?  Yeah, whatever.

As if dating were that easy. Read the rest of this entry

Breaking the Dating Rules

Friday night. According to all the “dating” rules, I should not be admitting publicly in any kind of venue that I am at home and not out on a date. I don’t care what the rules say. I’m having a fantastic time. I’ve been grinding away for two months on major work projects. Projects that revitalized me because I felt they were purposeful…and challenging…and interesting. Projects that kept me energized and distracted me from worrying about any number of things.

Okay, sure. Let’s be clear. If Perfect Relationship came along, I would hope I’d have the sense to go for it. The problem is, I don’t believe in “Perfect Relationship”? I just don’t think it exists and I believe that perpetrating the myth that a “Perfect Relationship” exists and is even viable, is incredibly damaging.

Read the rest of this entry

Goldilocks and Dating

Online dating is so much like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. If you’re a woman, you can pretty much put up a profile, and if your profile is decent and your pictures are good, you can just dangle that bait in the water and watch the fish come swarming to your inbox. But then the real work begins. It’s just like Goldilocks sampling the porridge, the chairs and the beds of The Three Bears: this one’s too hot, that one’s too cold, will the next one be just right?

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Finally! Funded!

Three days short of being a full month from the date of the accident, I called my new lender to let them know that the insurance pay0ff had gone through.  When I got through to my contact, I was greeted with the words, “Oh yes, your loan funded this morning.”

So ended a month of wondering when the next call from the lender would come and what the requirements would be for me this time.  So ended a month of wondering how long the process would take and whether or not I’d be car and loan hunting again soon.

So ended the last of my March and the first of my April.  A small blemish in my otherwise wonderful year.

Dreams

They started again. The moving dreams. They are all similar, some of them even repeat certain elements while varying others. Each time they occur they tend to signal some sort of transition, either one I’m going through, one I’m considering, or one I’m completely unaware that is happening or soon to occur. I had no memory of this dream upon waking this morning. It came back to me, in full detail much later in the day, as I was sitting in traffic, of all places. It was so surreal, I was tempted to close my eyes and relive the dream.

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