Notes From The Swamp

Online “dating”, if that’s what you want to call it, is exhausting. So, far the contacts I’ve received can be classified into four main categories. First, there’s monosyllabic contact. Easily half of the people who contact me do so in this manner. “Hey.” “Hi.”  The more sophisticated ones say, “Hello.” Okay, so that’s two syllables. All of these characters get the delete key. I don’t even bother to look at their profile.

The next group is the group that uses words to say nothing. For example, they might initiate with,”I liked your profile.” Really? What exactly did you like about my crummy profile that basically says nothing about me? What could anyone find of interest in three sentences written when lit? Another example is, “You have a nice smile.” Now, there’s a real conversation starter. What can a gal do with that besides say “thank you”, and move on to the delete key? Or this one’s always destined to be a charmer: “Having any luck on here?” Like I’d tell you if I was or wasn’t. Then there’s this comment I just received,”How’s the night?” It’s just great, thanks. I’m blogging about stupid things guys say when contacting a woman online, and I’m using you as an example. Hmmm, should I really reply with that much honesty? It’s tempting. Or this:

Hi. Good morning. Happy Friday. Anyway, thought I’d stop by and say hi.

I just don’t even know how to respond to that, especially when I go check out the profile and the one image the person has posted was clearly taken in the 70’s. 

Another group of contacts makes a decent attempt. They really give it the old college try, but they just have no game. They either want to meet up with you the very day they first contacted you, or they can’t seem to initiate moving to the next level. Moving too fast or two slowly is a red flag for me. Sure, maybe the guy is legit. Maybe he really is a nice guy, but I just got voted off the island by a guy who was just like this. He moved fast in the beginning then refused to move things to the next level. In short, these people are a waste of my time. Here’s what a contact from one of these guys looks like:

Nice to see someone else into bikes. i ride about a hundred miles a week you have some nice pictures i hope your day is filled with happiness.

Really? My destiny is sweet old men who ride trikes and write like a fourth grader?
This guy was actually pretty funny. He opens with:

Hi you are young like me.

First thing I wondered was what he was smoking. He goes on to tell me how he used to ride bikes and rode one across Holland and Belgium when he lived there. Okay, that’s cool. Then he goes on to say that he quit that and took up motorcycle riding. He hopes I’ll write him back. When I check out his profile, I note that his byline says, “I won a million dollars. No I didn’t.” He says he’s into motorcycles, women in tattoos (and nothing else?), dive bars, and watching movies. (What no walks on the beach?) Then, tucked away in his list of interests is the line “Doing drugs. Ha! Just checking to see if you were reading.” I have to admit, that last bit made me smile. I’d consider contacting him back, but his only profile image is one that is of him when he was two.

The final group of people consists of those I’d actually consider dating. There are a number of folks in this group. Now, for point of clarification, I never troll through profiles looking for men to contact. I never contact men first. I always and only just respond to those who actually made a legit attempt to communicate. I don’t reply to the obvious cut and paste. I don’t reply to people half my age or twice my age. I don’t reply to the monosyllabic greetings, or the obvious creepers. Deleting all these right away keeps my mailbox cleaned up and manageable so I can focus on the conversations I really want to have. Currently, there are about seven men I would consider actually taking the time to meet. These men all have the following things in common:
They can write a complete sentence.
They can express themselves in written format and when they do, they have something intelligent to say.
They are reasonably attractive.
They are employed.
They aren’t moving too fast or too slowly.
Even so, it’s a swamp and I feel kinda crummy about even being online. I’ve hidden my profile and am seriously considering deleting it altogether. The bottomfeeders in this swamp pond are just too numerous.