I’ll cut to the chase. I’m an idiot. Who signs up on an online dating sight at the most busy time of their professional and personal year? I do. Like I said…I’m an idiot. I admit it. I have only one excuse. I was three sheets to the wind when I did the signing up. Yep. Had one of those down days. One of those days that proves living a block from the local liquor store is not necessarily the benefit you might think it would be. I don’t know the particular circumstances. I think I successfully drank them out of my memory. I just remember it was one of those days, which, for whatever reason I was feeling blue about the whole situation that transpired in my life recently. Actually, I wasn’t really feeling blue about that situation if the truth be known. I was feeling blue that I’d wasted the last two years of my youth on the man. Okay, enough with the drama. It is also very possible that I was feeling happy. I feel that a lot these days. In fact, I almost get giddy with the lack of stress and the ease with which my family functions right now. No more walking on eggshells. No more having to ask permission or wonder when the next derisive comment is going to come. No more worrying about money. Since I’m not paying his bills, there’s an extra amount in our coffers this month, and that makes me genuinely silly with the giddy factor.
It could have been that I just came home from work last weekend and, with the entire weekend of no children or responsibility looming before me, I said to myself, “Self, you deserve to celebrate!” And it is entirely possible that, with the corner liquor store being, well, on the corner, I went down and bought myself some of my favorite libation and mixer and limes and came home and enjoyed a beverage or two or maybe it was three in the quiet, peaceful retreat that is my home. Whatever the cause of it was, the reality was I was intoxicated when I signed on to this dating site. I was inebriated. Someone seriously should have been around to take the technology out of my hands that night. But no one was, and instead of waking up with some strange dude in my bed, I woke up to realize I had a profile on an online dating site…and I was being contacted…by men…and a couple of them were attractive and one of them was employed. The feeling the morning after couldn’t have been worse if I’d awakened and realized I had slept with Sasquatch and actually enjoyed it.
But here’s the rub:
In my sober state, did I pull the profile down? Nooooo! It’s been up a full week and a half now. Through one weekend coming up upon weekend number two. Yes, there is a cycle, an ebb and flow, with the contacts or lack of contacts throughout the week. For example, Sunday through Thursday are high contact days, but since no one wants to be seen as one who trolls the online dating site during Prime Dating Time (which would indicate that they really were a social loser) they back off. The emails lessen over the weekend. I received a steady flow of contacts over the weekend. I think my delete key has about had it.
I got these remarkable messages:
“Hi there.” ~ from a dude who is in his late 20’s.
“You’re stunning.” ~to which I replied, “Thank you,” before I hit the delete key.
The best contact was the one I’ve actually met before, actually dated, twice to be exact, and he contacted me and didn’t recognize me. Delete.
The creepiest ones are the ones who recognize you even though you changed your handle. They recognize you from five years ago. And they can still remember where you said you worked at the time (five years ago), and what your real name was. Delete and block.
But I’ve also had contacts from others that seem genuine and decent. Who seem like they might be fun to know.
The dilemma? I just don’t want to go to the effort of getting all gussied up and putting myself out there. I just don’t want to do it. And even if I did, my life is so crazy busy right now that I have to keep putting people off and this reads as game-playing. I get that. And then there is the fact that I feel like a completely desperate and needy sleaze, just being on this site at all. I mean, what if someone I know actually stumbles across my profile? Awkward! But then, there are the people, like I said who seem genuine and decent. They have something to say and they say it and it is interesting, thoughtful and intelligent. And then I want to meet them, but I still really don’t want to go to the effort. (What’s that about?)
To make a long story short, I’m meeting him Friday night.
Posted on September 12, 2012, in Dating and tagged aging, anxiety, dating after 40, dating after divorce, divorce, getting back into dating, gratitude, life, life after divorce, love, meet ups, memoirs, Miz Digital, mizdigital, moving on, online dating, personal, rebuilding life after divorce, relationships, single moms, single parenting, single parents, single parents dating, singles over 45. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.