Honesty & Three Sheets To The Wind

One of the people I’m corresponding with  from the sleazeball online dating sight has been pretty decent.  I can tell right now, without ever meeting him that he’s not going to be someone I fall madly and passionately in love with.  If there is chemistry of anything more than a platonic friendship nature, I will be astounded. The man’s really nice, intelligent, thoughtful, and maybe, if I weren’t so damaged from my history with men, I might be more interested in him as something more than “friends”.  I don’t know.

Anyway, I asked him what he was doing on said sleazy dating site.  He responded with a lengthy tale which included information about his divorce, financial situation, job history, etc. This just proves my theory that, “So, what is such a nice guy like you doing on a dating site like this,” is a perfect question to ask if you want to get some really intimate information from a person.  They usually end up spilling everything about their past and present to you. I got a lot of information, all of which reinforced that this is truly a genuinely decent guy.  None of which convinced me that he was my next Prince Charming.  So, of course, when he asked the question in return, I threw the game.

Here’s what I wrote:

Ah, I somehow knew that question was going to be directed back at me.  I’ll be honest.  You might not like this answer.  In fact you may never correspond with me again as the result, but I will tell you the truth and let you decide.

The reality is, I was three sheets to wind one night.  When I am in that condition (which isn’t often), I should just stay away from the technology.  Yes, it was one of those nights, I was feeling especially happy and celebratory about life and I had an extra gin and tonic at dinner.  (Mixed by myself at home and I didn’t drive anywhere.)  Realizing I was about a month out from a very surprising and confusing breakup (after two years he left me with virtually no notice), and realizing I was doing exceptionally well, I decided to celebrate. I decided to indulge in my favorite beverage while barbecuing on my back deck in this wonderful weather.

Okay,  I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true.  I was a little tipsy when I signed up. That’s all.  I stayed on for a week or so just out of curiosity and I hid my profile because I just can’t stand it.  I hate the cut and paste messages from men who can’t spell.  I hate the come-ons from 20-year-olds who think I’m a desperate old woman looking for sex.  I am neither.  I have a great life.  While I don’t especially like the idea of rocking alone on the porch of the old folks’ home, I’m also, like you, not about to make a big life change any time soon. This is not to say that I wouldn’t give it serious consideration, were the right person to come along, but personally, I just got back full access to my walk-in closet, my garage, my master bath, and sleeping alone in a king size bed isn’t as bad as popular media would have you believe. I get up when I want, I go to bed when I want.  I spend my money how I want and I read, eat, clean, do whatever, when and how I want.  For a single mom, who has to grasp at any time for herself, this is a bit of a novelty.  I’m relishing it.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a great deal of room in my life for good friends, good times, and companionship.  (Do not read: friends with benefits…that is so not me.)  Mostly, I think I don’t sweat the single thing anymore, because I’m really okay with me.  I’m not perfect.  I’m have areas I can work on.  But I’m okay with me and, in the end, I’m the one I have to face every morning, so I better learn to accept that.  It’s a bonus that I am actually pleased about my progress over the years.

Further, I just can’t abide the thing that online dating is.  You make a connection based on a profile…some words and a few pictures.  You converse digitally and an image forms in your mind about who this other person is and what he looks like.  You meet and then there comes that sudden lurching halt to everything.  He’s so not what you pictured or “there’s just no chemistry” (what is chemistry anyway), or “Next!”  Of course, it’s even worse, if upon meeting, you actually think the guy is interesting and he never bothers to call or contact you again. Even though I realize this is the way it is, I just have better things to do with my life energy that to deal with that. So, I’ve hidden my profile, after no meet ups, and the mail has dropped from a multitude to nothing.  I’m really okay with it.  I have a full and busy life with loads of friends.  There’s always room for more, I’m just not sure POF is going to be the avenue for acquiring them.  Plus, I just felt kind of sleazy and desperate being on there.

So there you go, feel free never to respond again, but, if I’ve entertained you even a bit in the telling my of perspective (remember, I am an author), you might, before you go silent, at least, let me know you enjoyed the read.

So, I’m quite certain this did nothing to fan the flames of digital desire. Total honesty has a way of dousing the most passionate endeavor, and this certainly had a long way to go before it even got to passionate.  Maybe someday I’ll care.  Today is not that day.

Later…he writes back.  Instead of dousing the flame, I inadvertently fanned it.  His response:

Actually, after reading your message, it makes me only want to get to
know you more.I can completely relate to all the things you’ve said about being
single, and, I understand what you have said about
online dating.

You’ve actually been able to point out some aspects of online dating
that I hadn’t noticed before.  Okay, I may have noticed them, but you
gave me a different perspective about them.

So having said all that, I think there’s room for us to see how
things go if you’re open to that.

So maybe the most honest word at this point would be “No, thank-you?”  Except that’s not really entirely how I feel.  I think this would be a great person to know.  I just don’t think (and my gut’s pretty good about this stuff, I just never listen to it)  this is going to be a romantic friendship.

Yeah, I’m so glad I took my profile down, because this is exactly the kind of thing that, for some inexplicable reason, reduces my happiness level in life.