Married Men

Ever go into a business meeting or some social event and notice how many people are married? Now, I’m not exactly looking for Mr. Right. As each day passes, I become more and more convinced that the relationship/marriage boat sailed long ago and I was probably at the airport when it did. No. I’m not looking for someone to complete me. I’m not looking for a friend to benefit with. I’m not looking to get involved in any kind of romantic relationship at all. Not only that, but I live in a location that is billed as one of the worst places in this nation to be if you are a single woman. I’m not fooling myself. The odds for me to meet up with some decent guy I’m somewhat compatible with are slim. That I might have a romantic connection with the guy reduces the odds almost 100%. Even though I’m not looking,even though I don’t really care, there are times when I look around and I notice that all the men in the room are married. I then notice that most of the women in the room are married too…except for me…and maybe one or two others. Most of the time this doesn’t bother me. I like being single and being in a room of men who are married, especially if they are happily married, means I’m not going to get hit on at the company conference. I like that. It means I can actually have a conversation with these men that focuses on something meaningful that won’t necessarily lead to the bedroom.

I feel this way, most of the time, except for the meeting I attended tonight.

I haven’t been posting regularly lately because I’ve taken on some added responsibilities at work. Responsibilities that I find exhilarating, actually. Responsibilities that require me to work extra hours, attend lots of meetings, network extensively, and spend a great deal of time away from home and blogging. The result? No sleepless nights, that’s for sure.

But a couple of instances tonight are gnawing at me and I need to dump them from my psyche because I won’t sleep at all unless I do. Even then, sleep is not guaranteed.

Tonight I attended a meeting filled with men; all of them sporting the fat gold band. One of them, was a man I knew in high school. There was a brief romantic interest there, but it didn’t go any where. Not because he wasn’t interested, but because I simply was just too skittish about dating in high school. I somehow knew I couldn’t commit to anything until I’d seen the world a bit, and yet he was adorable, funny, endearing and artistic. To be honest, I think it scared me how I felt about him, so I ran.

But about a month ago, I attended this big company event in a big city far away from where I normally live and work. As company conventions go, this one was a big deal. Seriously. They put us up in the nicest hotel. All 1,000 of us reps. Wait. We commandeered the entire hotel for the weekend. There was music, food, libations, people, and networking galore. I was in my element. And there he was the whole time sitting one row behind me in the very large meeting room.

At first, I took no notice. But his last name is just not one you hear every day. I remember thinking at this convention, “I wonder if he is the same guy I knew back in the day.”

Fast forward to today’s meeting. He was there. The very first thing he says to me tells me he is who I thought he was and he remembers me. He walked up to me, gave me a big bear hug and we spent a few minutes catching up.

How do you condense 30 years into a five minute conversation? I had this incredible urge to suggest we go out for drinks and get caught up, but, of course, that didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen. He’s sporting the big gold ring.

He’s every bit as adorable as he was back when we were kids. It’s funny how that funny, crazy, almost silly, young kid you used to know can morph into this creative genius who is a powerful leader in his own right. He’s intelligent, educated, artistic, and he excels in his career. It’s the first time in forever that I wished the married guy I was talking to wasn’t married.

But, he is married. At least, that’s what the ring says and I will honor that. He will never, ever know that not hanging out with him a bit longer back in the day is something I am now regretting.

And now we will be working together monthly, at least, for most of the year (he heads up an office out of town, but has to come to town for regional meetings every month). I can handle it. I’ll be professional and appropriately distant. We’ll work together and collaborate on projects, and I suspect he will help further my interests and I can certainly help further his because of my own connections, but back in the back of my mind and deep down in my walled-up and barricaded heart I will wonder on a more personal level what might have been if, back in the day, I had I not run so far so fast?