Those old people, the adults in my life. The ones in charge.
They always seemed so confident, so capable, so unafraid.
Answering questions, managing home, paying bills, making sure I made it to adulthood
alive and as safely as possible.
Then, as I aged, they became those older adults, not really very old but sort of like the wrinkled ones. You could see it coming in them. A crease around the eyes that wasn’t there before. A few more strands of gray that weren’t there yesterday. Bits of evidence here and there.
I wonder how they felt.
Not yet old, but on the doorstep of aging.
Not yet wrinkled or frail, but barely peeking in through the window of aging decline.
How did they feel?
Just before the door opened and they were swept in to the old house where those with white hair, trembling limbs and a certain number of years all must eventually reside.
How did they feel?
Just before the world stopped looking at them, stopped touching them, stopped noticing them.
Did they feel the way I do right now?
Today, when the sun comes up and business resumes, I will be attending my Meeting of Creditors, a requirement before having my debts fully discharged in Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Prior to this, I spent nearly 5 years on a debt repayment program, trying to pay off credit card debt that was mostly The Evil Ex Husband’s. Never mind how that unfair trick occurred. I ended up struggling desperately to pay those bills, while trying to support my family, keep our home, and avoid bankruptcy court. A year ago, I met with my bankruptcy attorney and now, today, after an agonizing amount of paperwork, I have my meeting of creditors.
I am going into this meeting fearing the worst. This year, instead of owing more taxes, I am getting a healthy sum of it back. My attorney just informed me late Saturday afternoon, that the Trustee will take that tax return. In addition, my attorney informed me that because there was a few thousand dollars in my account on the day my petition was filed, (I had just gotten paid) I am likely going to be owing another $3,000. This is devastating news for me. I’m not a little angry about this. I’m depressed and I’m furious.
Bankruptcy is intended to discharge debt. Instead, in my case it is creating debt. I have $400 to pay bills and feed my family for the rest of the month. With two teenagers, one pre-teen and a gas bill for an old SUV that reaches hundreds every month, I cannot make it to the end of the month. I also have medical bills now, that I did not have when I filed due to having a small illness called cancer. I cannot discharge those debts. Further, even if all my debt is discharged it will not remove the huge student loan I will probably pay until I die.
I have definitely arrived at my lowest point since leaving The Evil Ex. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it. The fact is, I’m going to have to not pay some bills this month and this will put me even further behind for next month. Instead of providing me with a clean slate, this bankruptcy is adding more to the crushing load I already carry.
I’m praying that there will be some truly Divine Intervention this morning at this meeting. This beleaguered single mom needs a reprieve, not another bill to pay. I don’t have any rich relatives I can call on. Well, at least none who would deign to assist me right now. My only hope is that the God whose resurrection we celebrated yesterday will somehow perform a miracle on my behalf. I could really use it.
Please, God, make it possible, somehow, that I can keep that tax return and not have to owe money. I just can’t take another financial blow.