He’s Handsome…He’s Sensitive…He’s Into Me…He’s Brilliant…He’s Employed…He’s…

Have you ever been on a trip in a new city, or maybe even a familiar city, where you are just cruising along so nicely, everything is going just as planned, and then, somehow, you get absorbed in the conversation going on in the car or you allow yourself that one little daydream for a few minutes and the next thing you know, you’ve missed the exit and you are now in completely uncharted territory. Nothing is familiar and you have only an inkling of how to get back to your original path. This, describes my life perfectly over the last decade. More recently, it describes my life in the last few days or weeks.

In past posts, I’ve affirmed how comfortable I am with the idea of being solo for now and, if necessary, for a good long while. My opinion is this, no relationship is far better than a bad relationship or an unhappy one or an abusive one. I’ve been there. I’ll pass on that, thank you. I really am enjoying being a free agent for now. I mean, I can take on opportunities at work that present themselves without having to sell it to a partner who isn’t supportive. I can get up, get on my bike and be gone for hours without having to justify my absence. I can live and move and breathe without having to explain myself.

But recently, some events have transpired that have helped me to get a clearer understanding of just exactly what it is I am looking for in the relationship department. Other situations have developed that leave me questioning myself and my stance on remaining relationally solo. This post, tells the story of the sexy free agent who finds herself in need of some advice or support or encouragement or something. (Yes, that free agent is me…I am sexy and hot and all that jibberish. I post an alternate picture of myself, not because I’m fat and ugly and old, but because I don’t want people in my face to face world figuring out who I am…at least…not that easily.

I’m also just a tad bit too independent for most men. Read that as, if something doesn’t work for me, I’m going to let you know. I’ll be kind and diplomatic, but when I say no, however nicely I say it, I absolutely mean it. If you don’t pick up the very clear message of “No, that doesn’t work for me,” you have two choices: encounter my silence or face the consequences. I can take care of myself. I don’t go around pounding my chest announcing “I am woman hear me roar!”, but I’m perfectly capable and comfortable dealing with life as it comes; the good and the bad.

Lately, however, my usual confidence and cavalier demeanor has been challenged. It’s been challenged in the most vile manner imaginable. I’ve been confronted by a man who is not only beautiful to behold, he is sensitive, brilliant, EMPLOYED at a worthy and stable profession, he’s got a sense of humor, he lives in the hood and he appears to be very much into me. I just don’t know what to do. It’s thrown me. I’m reeling. Not because of all the wonderful attributes he exudes. Not because of the fact that, wow, finally, he’s really into me. But because of one small little detail….he’s MARRIED.

And I just can’t go there. Sigh.

Eff my life.

Advertisements