Dating…Again? Or In Which The Idea Of Dating Makes Me Sick

I have given up on dating. For reasons stated in my last post, I am not interested in putting myself out there at all in order to find, or become involved in, a relationship. Right after my separation and divorce in 2007, at the insistence of my oldest daughter, I put up an online profile on a dating site. Before the year was out, I had tried nearly all the dating sites in existence at that time. I got to know the dating sites, and I met a lot of really great people. None of them were “the one”, but they were all decent. I met a few creepers also, but I learned to distinguish these people early on, for the most part.

For instance, I learned to never meet up with someone who didn’t have a clear picture. The first guy I met up with seemed nice enough in his profile write up, but the picture made him look taller than he was. His face was not clear in the picture, but being young and naive in the ways of online dating, I agreed to meet up with him anyway. I was so horrified. First off, I didn’t know who I was meeting. The only way I knew was that he jumped out at me at the coffee shop. He looked hideous. There is just no other word for it. The poor guy truly looked like he’d been on the losing end of an argument with a Mack truck. Finally, he was far shorter than his picture made him look, and, worse, he was far shorter than me. I hate to be superficial, but I’m not 5’2, I’m 5’6 and I do have a height requirement. The guy has to be taller by, at least, an inch. If I put on two-inch heels, he’s still got to be taller by, at least, an inch.

I quickly learned to be more discerning, before agreeing to meet up. I also quickly learned to not get too invested in the relationship that might seem to be developing. (Remember, things are not always what they seem. What it seems it is to me, isn’t always what it seems it is to him. Only time can tell.) Online banter is online banter. A meetup is a meetup. He’s not crazy over me just because he picks up the tab and asks me out again. I learned that I musn’t mistake courtesy for infatuation. I learned to take things a little less seriously and just enjoy meeting people. I learned never to give out more personal information than necessary (though, admittedly, I learned this from the self-help books that lined my bookcase shelves and not from bad encounters).

All of this is easily discussed without emotion from a distance. I have the distance of almost three years, since I put up my last online profile (except for the one I put up when I was blitzed a few weeks after the Gone Boyfriend had gone). I was serious when I said I was done dating, and if it didn’t work out, I wasn’t going to put up an online profile and start dating again. To be honest, I did try, for about three days. I put up a profile on Plenty of Fish, but I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t go through with the hours of weeding through useless emails that said nothing but, “Hey,” or “Cute Pics,” or “Nice Profile.” What seemed so fun and interesting to me almost five years ago, no longer had the appeal. It seemed exhausting and lame.

What I wasn’t expecting was for LinkedIn to be a source for dating, or Facebook for that matter. You guessed it, I met someone. Rather, I re-met someone.

I have this saying. Maybe you’ve heard it, “It’s not over till the fat lady sings.” Another variation of this is, “Things are not always what they seem.” I spend far more time than I ought on Facebook. In fact, I do prefer Facebook and Twitter over Linked In, though lately I have been visiting Linked In more and more because of the information people feed through there. I have dated a lot of people, and I have decided not to date a lot of people. What I’ve also learned is this: Sometimes good-bye is not always a good-bye forever. Things are not always what they seem.

So, through these various social media venues, I have reconnected with several jerks who went silent on me. They are trolls. I know this. But they are harmless trolls. I have no illusions about who and what these people are. They can’t touch me. I might add that I reconnected with them at their initiation, and after serious consideration on my part. There are just as many others out there (like the person from overseas whom I actually met, but who was just crazy) that I blocked and never cared to see or hear from again. Then there are those in the middle. There are those who are genuinely decent guys, but because of whatever was going on at the time, I just didn’t…or they just didn’t…pursue things any further. Two of these last kind of people are now Facebook friends. And one of them wants to meet up with me again. In fact, he was almost going to drive three hours to come see me this weekend, but I got sick.

Fortunately, I got sick. Or did I get sick because something had been set up that I was neither ready for or willing to deal with? Who knows?

Here’s the back story:

We met pretty early in my online dating exploits, which was a bad omen for just about every guy I met at that time. I was willing to concede that they were all nice guys, but I was unwilling to limit myself to dating just one. Yep, I dated several people, or rather, had meetups with several people in a week or weekend. I guess those don’t really count as dates. They are interviews really. You’re both meeting to see if there is an “chemistry”. To this day, how one can tell in a few minutes whether or not there is “chemistry” in such an artificial design as an online meetup is beyond me. I suppose it happens. It just didn’t for me. Okay, it did once and I was an idiot, but that another story altogether. (I am also friends with that guy on Facebook too. Apparently, he ignored the idiot, and saw the friend in me. He’s also been instrumental in bringing me together with some other friends of his. Things are not always what they seem, and it’s not over until…).

But, back to this guy. We met up at a Starbucks. Now, I look back and think, “It was so long ago. I am a totally different person than the girl he met then.” I remember exactly what he looked like. I still remember what seats we sat in. I remember thinking, he didn’t fit my image of the guy I was looking for. An image, by the way, that was so seriously flawed, and has been so completely shattered that I don’t even know that I have an image of what the perfect guy would look like. This man was older than me (that was good). He was a decade older. Hmmm. At the time, that was not part of the ideal “image”. We talked. We talked for a long while, and not about trivial stuff. The guy had some brains, some social skills, and a way of talking that made me feel comfortable. I remember thinking that he interested me. That’s all. I wasn’t infatuated. I had no idea if there’d be chemistry. He just interested me. He made me think with the things he said. He was professional, self-supporting, and savvy in the business world. I liked that. Then he informed me that he was interested in me too, but that in just a few days he was traveling back east to meet up with another person he’d been corresponding with. Of course, everything came to a screeching halt.

My thoughts at the time? Thanks for being honest, but why are you wasting my time?

I dismissed myself as quickly as I could, and got out of there. Apparently, that meetup back east didn’t pan out. He contacted me a while later, but I’d crossed him off my list and I never gave him the time of day.

Now this guy has moved away to another city about three hours away. He’s reconnected with me and he wants to meet up again. We talked at length on the phone, the other night. He’s every bit as interesting to me in conversation as he was at the first meet up. We even made arrangements for him to come visit this weekend. Then I got sick.

I’m glad I got sick, but what does it mean that I got sick? I don’t think it was just a casual instance of the flu, though it sure felt and seemed like one. I suspect it might have been my subconscious creating an out. Is this because I’m scared or not ready or both? Or…is it because…I’ve recently just learned to be okay on my own and relationships have traditionally messed with my well-being…and I don’t want anything to mess with my current state of well being?

I say this next a bit tongue-in-cheek: The odds of me ever meeting someone and starting (let alone sustaining) a decent relationship are so against me. The poor guy has everyone else’s mistakes to overcome, just to get my attention. I’m not sure that’s fair, but that is my current reality. I also know, things are not always what they seem, and it’s not over until….

About Miz Insomniac

Usually, it's the kids who grow up and leave home, but Miz Insomniac switched it up. When her kids grew up she decided to make her dreams come true so she flew the nest. After making 12 trips across the pond and back to Europe, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East in 2014-15, Miz Insomniac now qualifies as a world traveler. She hasn't quite mastered the fine art of traveling light, but she knows how to manipulate travel plans to avoid missed flights and jet lag. A former hopeless romantic turned realist, she's stateside now reinventing her life in a new city, with new opportunities, and all the challenges that come with leaving a career, traveling abroad for a year, and then returning to a world that's nothing like she left it. Her overseas travel is by no means over, it's just not as frequent. She's different now, but remains a night owl. She writes when she should be sleeping...and while you probably are.

Posted on January 26, 2013, in Dating and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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