Today started out all wrong. The problem is, I didn’t know it was going badly until it was too late to correct. Today I arrived at work 30 minutes late. There is nothing like walking into a meeting full of people, when your company has called in a consultant and designated you as a leader, with your boss present…and you are a full 30 minutes late.
I would have actually been on time, however, the competent individual who sent out the information via email stated an 8:00 start time. Everyone else got the follow up memo with the time correction. Everyone except me.
You know it is a bad thing when you are walking down the hall to a meeting, thinking that you perfectly on time, maybe even a few minutes early and your boss is texting you, “Are you coming?” That awkward moment when you feel the dread thickening in the pit of your stomach as you open the door, take your seat and discover, everyone else has been there for 30 minutes.
Sudden, overwhelming insecurity and paranoia.
I, did, in fact check my memos. All of them listed an 8:00 start time. There was no follow-up memo, at least, not to me.
How is it that every one else knew of the change in time, but me? And then my next thought, Was this an intentional set up? Who would do that? Why?
If someone out there wanted me to believe someone was out to get me, this would certainly be the trick to pull. It didn’t work, but if I were a lesser person, I can see this being a very effective strategy. If someone out there wanted to create some real anxiety and definite insecurity, they were successful. It completely wilted me for the day. Sure, I have enough theatre background and maturity to pass it off as no big deal. But I wasn’t me. I wasn’t the key player I usually am. I wasn’t the deal maker I can be. I just didn’t have my game on today. It was tough today. Real tough.
I’m in an age bracket where I am, once again, in life, a “tweener”. I’m not quite old enough to be considered old. Nowhere near, and I certainly can masquerade as a good ten years younger than I am. I don’t, but I could. On the career scene, I’m no longer the new kid on the block. If my company were to decide they wanted to lay people off, and were they to decide to do these layoffs by the process of terminating the most recently hired people, they’d have to lay off nearly half the company, maybe more, before they reached me. Yet, retirement is still a long way off. I’m a “tweener” there as well. I’m also in a precarious situation. I make good money, and my company could dismiss me on something as trivial as reporting late to work, because they can hire someone to do my job for less than half the price. My years of experience make me good at what I do, but when budgets get tight, as they are in the current economy, my experience and my resulting price tag, works against me. I’m a “tweener”. I’m not complaining about any of these realities. I’m just observing them…and trying to accept them. These are part of life. I’ll be honest. I’m having a hard time accepting the in-between state of most of my life right now; showing up late for this particular meeting, at this particular juncture in my career, with these particular people, didn’t particularly help.
As if a bad day at work, wasn’t enough, I had the thrilling experience of coming home to my “tweener” home life. I am so close to the empty nest I can taste it, except for the last child, who is herself a “tweenager”. I’m in between being fully involved as a parent in my middle-schooler’s life and transportation needs, but I’m also on the verge of being an empty-nester where my older children are concerned. Tonight, the tweenager decided she was going to go on an I hate everyone (which also included me) rampage. This rampage ended with her losing her phone, TV privileges, getting the computer blocked, and no social activities this weekend…maybe longer if her attitude in her English class doesn’t improve instantaneously. Oh, and she was sent to her room after dinner. Needless to say, I scored a bucketful of disrespect and snarkiness with all that.
So, I’m feeling like a bit of a failure on the job front today. I’m feeling the same way on the home front. My finances are in between becoming stable and becoming disastrous. My car is in between just being old but still running, and abandoned for scrap metal on the side of the road somewhere.
I’m “tween” a rock and a hard place in most areas of my life right now.
Today, instead of the happiness I’ve experienced of late, I fought back tears.
Today just started out all wrong; it didn’t get better. It was just a bad day.
Posted on October 11, 2012, in What Keeps Me Up At Night and tagged aging, anger, anxiety, career, children, embarrassment, emotions, empty-nester, fatigue, frustration, hardship, in-between, late to work, life, meetings, memoirs, Miz Insomniac, mizinsomniac, single women, stress, tweenagers, tweeners, tweens, work. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.