Secrets and Reality
The evening started out mildly enough…errands, barbecue, beer…then, just as we are getting comfortable for the evening flick we’d decided on…I mean…right during the previews, he says, I have to call my kids.
Okay, no problem. Call your kids.
So The Hesitant Boyfriend goes to call his his kids, but before doing so, he asks if I have something to do for an hour. Sure, I reply. Then he proceeds to go upstairs, shut the door and hole himself up as though he’s calling someone other than his kids.
No, don’t get me wrong. He really was calling his kids and I knew this. I also did not suspect anything else. I just wrote it that way to make a point. He might not be calling another woman, but he’s definitely keeping secrets.
That didn’t go over well with me…as you can imagine.
Me, being me, trudged up the stairs and in through the very obviously and deliberately shut door and said something pointed and cryptic which communicated exactly how unimpressed I was with this arrangement…the same arrangement I’ve been unimpressed with since the beginning of time…or…at least since the beginning of our relationship.
The Hesitant Boyfriend is still dealing with his Evil Ex in ways that really make me wonder. It’s clear he’s not ready to commit to another relationship, because he’s still so enmeshed with her…even if the enmeshment is the negative sort that comes with extricating oneself from a marriage of some length. She still has the power, with her words, to crush him…to actually bring him to tears. (This evening is a great case in point. I won’t go into it, but she says mean things and he still allows her to have the power over him to hurt.) Then he goes to the bedroom to call his kids, and shuts the door up tight.
We’ve been together almost two years. What part of this does he feel he still has to keep secret from me. And, the fact that he still has to keep stuff secret…well…what does that signify? I just didn’t even want to go here tonight.
I hopped on my bike, just as sun was setting and went for a ride. I went for a long ride. To a hangout. I had a couple of cocktails. I was angry. I needed to clear my mind. I needed to get away from the stupid.
But not nearly as crazy as the stuff that says, “I love you, but I’m going to keep you away from the rest of my life; away from the rest of everything else that is important to me. That part of me and you must never mix and because of this I cannot and will not ever be truly honest and transparent with you. In fact, more often than not I will lie to you”
And really? That’s exactly how it’s gone down and I can’t say The Hesitant Boyfriend is innocent here. While he claims to protest, his behavior actually serves to further this situation.
It is like I’m having an affair with a married man.
He is living a double life and doesn’t want the two to meet.
He hasn’t left the old.
He can’t embrace the new.
It’s a stalemate of the worst kind.
I decided to leave tonight. I just had to clear my mind and do something…else. It was well over half an hour before he even realized I was gone. It was longer than that before he realized I hadn’t left on foot or by car, but by bike. This tells me something.
Most of the time, this issue can be ignored. After all, his kids live in a different town, and his Evil Ex has done everything in her power to limit his access to the children. And, after all that has transpired, I’m actually grateful I don’t have to deal with them…ever. However, when it comes up…it really comes up. Tonight the whole reality of the situation just vomited all over my life.
It’s trite, and cliche. Worn. Overused. But I can’t deny the reality any longer. I must face the truth.
I’m even having dreams/nightmares about this very thing.
I am not entirely sure where The Hesitant Boyfriend is regarding his feelings for his Evil Ex. I believe he’s got some issues going on around the fact that she controls the kids and she’s in control, right now, of how the kids appear to view him. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s still in love with her…but I couldn’t confirm that he isn’t either. I’m certain that I’m aware of the truth, but I’m not accepting it on some level. I’m blocking it.
What I do know is this.
He’s Hesitant. He’s not in relationship totally with me. He’s not out with me either.
I hate to say it, but it’s so accurate. He’s just not that into me.
If he were, he’d be in or he’d be out. He’s neither.
And that just doesn’t work for me.